Dear Public Diary,
What do I want in life? That question seems to get harder and harder to answer every day. I use to want love. Incredible, earth shattering, can't live without it kind of love. A love so strong that nothing could break it. I thought I found that, in Mason, but I'm not so sure anymore. I use to really love him, faults and all. But sex(among other things), seems to have muddied everything up. I'm mostly to blame. I'm the one who set up our first 4-way. I'm the one who stuck around after each and every time I caught him cheating on me. I'm the one who suggested that he do porn. I'm the one who said that it's perfectly acceptable for him to mess around off camera as long as he doesn't lie about it. I'm the one that stands by his side while he makes out with someone else right in front of me at a bar. And I just laugh it off like it's all perfectly normal. Half of me thinks I'm sex addicted and that I'm just jealous that Mason get's more dick than I do, the other half of me thinks I'm using this obsession with sex to mask the fact that this relationship I'm in isn't really working and never really was from the start. I'm always saying that I'm OK with everything, that I'm in a different kind of relationship and that it works for us... I don't know if I really believe that. I understand that we all have urges and temptations and that no relationship is perfect. I understand that sex can just be sex. But what if it hurts me? What if Mason sleeping with someone else... hurts me? Am I suppose to just deal with it? Is it wrong of me to ask him to refrain from such behavior after years of letting it slide... after years of joining in? after years of pursuing it myself? after years of encouraging it? Have I given up the right to set my foot down and say no every once in awhile? If I still have that right, what should I do if I tell him, "No, not this time", and he totally disregards it? Is that cheating? I don't even know what constitutes as cheating in our relationship anymore. It's actually pretty pathetic. Other than Hillary Clinton, I don't know anyone else that would deal with everything I have dealt with and still stick around. Should I stop whining and realize how lucky I am to have him? Or am I fooling myself into believing that he is everything I ever wished for?
Sincerely,
The Boy Who Causes His Own Problems
Marcus Wyler
The Boy Who Causes His Own Problems
Marcus Wyler
47 comments:
Marcus...The key is for BOTH of you to look inside and see if you are BOTH hurting. But in order to do that you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation about your feelings. It's tough to do - particularly as men - but it's the only way you will get clarity in your relationship. You might both be hurting and decide to try monogamy for a while...or you might decide that you don't feel the same...and you can move on - knowing what you actually feel. Don't deny your feelings.
Your self confidence will grow when you dump Mason - he's taken advantage of you for too long - he'll never be faithful to you - he's the definition of a pig - find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
gee. um, did you ever think of talking to him about this or have you just learned from lindsay lohan's dad. christ, what drama.
seriously. he's a fucking porn star who says he's a gay sex addict. like what did you expect? sister bertrille? if you want a nun, live with one. if you have relationship issues, don't post them on a porn blog where guys want to jack off. deal with them.
your criticism rings hollow when posted in this venue.
sorry dude. the way it is.
You don't deserve him if you wont let him take 50 dicks a week other than yours. Just for this outburst you are reduced to living in the cabnet under the sink with all the harsh chemicals for a month!!!!!! No tossed salads for you mr!
You have a difficult choice ahead of you, do you ignore how you feel or try and bring it out and work it out. This isn't something you can do alone, he is a part of it, even if he feels differently than you, he is still a part of it aswell as a part of you. The only way to deal with any problem, is to first aknowledge that there is a promlem, after that, things aren't simple, but atleast both of you know that there is a problem. There is no "This is the right way to deal with this..." answer. Life isn't about black and white, but all the messy shades of grey that dwell inbetween. You should sit down, just the two of you, so that you can say "Hey, I think something isn't working any more" and talk it out. The worst thing that comes of it, is finding out that he doesn't think there's anything wrong. Still, atleast you would know how he feels about this
Marcus, I think your really brave for sharing your feeling about your relationship with Mason to so many strangers here at the Wyler Nation! I don't know if I could broadcast that there was a problem with my relationship on the internet? (I guess it would help for me to actually have a relationship first!)
If you think that you can't go along with things the way they have been, then you need to sit down with Mason, and talk about it!! You may find he feels the exact same way, or he may feel differently! You may find he thinks there are things that are wrong, but they may not be the same things you think are wrong. It may make your relationship stronger, or it may tear it apart. But one thing is certain, if you don't tell him how you feel, things will continue, and you will grow to resent Mason for it. Anything can be allowed, or disallowed in a relationship! The key is that both, and I do mean both to people involved agree to what is off limits. Only the two of you can decide what direction to take your relationship in.
I wish the two of you lots of luck, wither you stay together, or not. If you do, great, if not, I hope the both of you meet really great guys that will be you loving partners till the end of time!!
Good luck in both yours, and Mason's futures!! :) :)
I’ve read this blog off and on for a few months and never commented on anything until now...
This blog is notorious for brutal honesty. There is no room to beat around the bush. You say things for what they are, the blatant truth, take it or leave it...
When I first met you two, I had no idea how a relationship such as yours and masons could co-exist within the world of mason Wyler. I didn't know what to expect and could only imagine how untypical the relationship could be. I figured that there would always be an unbalance in your relationship because of mason’s line of work.
Time and time again I saw that unbalance and tried to ignore it. For a while I felt that I was your attempt to bring about that balance in your relationship. I felt that I was taking on the roll of a patch that was needed to mend the wounds of the past several years between you two. I feared that bringing me into the picture to fix things would be a fix as permanent as duck-tape and your relationship would eventually spring a leak again. Many times I wondered if I was the duck-tape fix in you and masons City of Ember?
I never fully explained why I backed away. As hard as it was, it was something I had to do knowing that I was not the answer to your prayers. So badly I wished I could take on that roll but I couldn't. You were looking for another person to bring that balance but at the same time you weren't willing to give up mason.
I never doubted a word you said when you told me how much you loved mason. Hearing this, I realized that my roll wasn't to become a third, my roll was to tell both of you how much you love each other and that a third is only going to further complicate the situation. I’ve spent enough time with you two together and one on one to see that you guys still have a huge amount of love between the two of you to keep things going. I think mason has become fully aware of where your relationship currently stands and has every intention to make the changes needed to better your relationship.
I can’t make decisions for you, I can only offer advice. My advice to you is what others have already said. You need to have a heart-to-heart conversation about your feelings, be totally honest, lay it all out on the table and sort through it.
just remember that whatever comes out of that conversation or conversation's, is for the best. I think this blog is a step in the right direction. You’ve clearly presented your position and now its time to figure out what your game plan is.
I hope what I’ve said is helpful. Knowing the truth about what you and mason are feeling is the only way to solve the problem.
So many times I envied the bond that you two have because it’s something that I have yet to find. I hope some day I’m lucky enough to find it :)
-F
This one goes to anonymous... if you think Mason is such a pig, why are you following his blog?
Marcus... seems to me that you two really do need to have a serious talk. Obviously your relationship is open. If you want to keep it between the two of you, talk to him and see what he thinks. That one talk about the future will either make or break you, but no matter the outcome you will become stronger because of it.
I've always wondered about that dynamic of your relationship. Not one to pass judgement on anyone's relationship, but I've always thought your side of the equation must be very difficult. Letting your other half have sex with others is one thing but to have it recorded for all time is entirely something else, plus all of the other times you have written about. I have no advice for you as it so far removed from my experience,but I do hope that the both of you find a way--so BOTH of you can happy. Be it together or apart--only the two of you can say. Good luck.
so this was posted for all to see on a site about porn, for porn? is it a joke?
i'm not so sure it's a joke or not given that every surrounding image is porn related.
my advice is: if you knew what you were getting into and were ok with it then you knew what you were getting into.
if it's a real post and you're over it...i hardly think this is the best place to let your partner know, pornstar or not!
Start Loving yourself, and you are not Pathetic, no one is. Relationships are work but in the end its worth it.
drumstick has some good words.
My bf and I had our sex life wane and then pretty much completely die and we're still together. It was rougher for him than for me.
The question is what else is your relationship made of? Are you well-matched otherwise? Obviously, it's up to you, but if there's enough there you can still have a good relationship.
Personally if my current relationship ended I wouldn't get into another one unless it were 1000% open - where the new boyfriend takes loads from other guys all the time (including anyone I want to have fuck him), and I'd be fucking other guys whenever I felt like it. In other words, for some of us open relationships really work. The question is whether you're one of those people...
marcus,
seems like u have a sticky situation on ur hands. i do have to agree with drumstick tho. u and mason have to talk it out. sometimes ppl act out in different ways. it is true that mason could be continuing this behavior simply b/c u havent stood up and said no. granted the beginning of the relationship was prolly a roller coaster ride b/c of the sex, etc. sounds like you have started to mature and realize that you want more than just crazy sex. you want all of the other things that come with being in a relationship. you and mason need to at lease communicate how you feel on the situation. if he feels like he needs or wants to continue his ways then its time for u to move on boo. no need in bein in a relationship all by yourself. good luck and i wish u the best!! x
I think you've both been fooling each other. What you 2 have isnt a relationship but a convenience. A person in the porn industry is use to having more then one dick. The same ol'dick just doesnt cut it. I'm not sayin you cant love someone like Mason but its truely one sided. You need someon who loves you and only you, move on find your true happyness.
The two of you set your boundaries in your relationship when you first got together, and after the first break up. You need to talk to Mason and find out what you need in your life to make you happy. You both love each other a lot,and would do what ever it takes to make the other happy. Maybe you two need to get away somewhere and do some heavy duty talking
That you're asking the question means there's still something there and it's worth working through. That it hurts means its definitely worth figuring out how you can stay together. It's his job - can he still do his job? Ultimatums don't seem the way to go with 'Mason'. You both need to ask yourselves what's changed and how you can deal together with it. Some flexible challenges (not strict rules) can help. Having a goal means any hits & misses can actually help. If it hurts you, he needs to acknowledge that & make a few choices too. With the kind of relationship you've had you've managed to make it this far together. That's phenomenal. Face it, the world you're in - that's rare. Beating the odds would be worth it. Q Is your family still living with you?
I don't think anyone is grasping the point here....this is a guy who is seriously troubled, who doesn't know what on earth to do. He needs help guys, that's why he put a post up, because he wants to express his feelings. My personal opinion would be to do the following (I'm not sure if this will work for you, but I would do this):
On your own, go into another room, where Mason isn't there, and say whatever comes to mind, whether it is positive, negative etc. ALOUD. I mean aloud. That way, your feelings don't consume you entirely. Say exactly what you want to say, whether it is something like:
"I'm sick of tired of being on the back burner. If you can't realise that I'm in so much pain, and I'm being pushed aside all the time, then that is your loss, not mine." (just an example)
Then, I would say what "I" would want, for example more recognition, appreciation, respect etc. Keep repeating what you want to say, and see whether if you think it's true to what YOU want, and whether it is natural. If it helps, try and speak to Mason about it. Just watch for the signs, whether they are signs of true listening, or "forced" signs.
I think it's time for you Marcus to show him a thing or two. Try a dirty trick here and there, just to see whether he responds. That is an ancient strategy, that actually works. Just do something that he did to you, e.g. kiss another guy while he watches you. If he's bothered by it, then state your feelings and put your foot down. He reminds me of someone I know, very "self-focused" and self-orientated. I don't think Mason is a bad guy at heart, but I do agree with what you said, that you have been too soft.
I get the impression that you two are under a lot of stress, and you feel like you have nowhere to run.
Don't worry Marcus...I believe that it will be resolved soon. Think about this way, once you have aired your feelings, about everything, you don't have anything to lose. At least you were true to yourself. That's the only thing that matters.
Marcus, I grant you good luck, and good fortune. Just endure a little while longer....
Xx_RavsDesire_xX
I think it's time for you to cut your losses and move on....
A relationship never works, when one partner is moving towards wanting it closed and the other partner wants it open.
I don't know either of you; I can just give you advice based on my personal experiences.
I had a faithful bf, who put up with me cheating for 3 years. I can now admit that deep down I didn't really love him. I didn't care how he felt, at all, when I was hitting on someone else in front of him. It wouldn't have bothered me, in the least, if I saw him having sex with someone else.
After I met my current bf, my whole perspective changed. I honestly love him. I would never hit on anyone else, because, even if I was tempted and I wanted just sex; I think of him and how he would feel. If I saw him with someone else, it would destroy me.
I wouldn't go as far to call him a pig.
If he is still coming back to you and loves you then you know that you have a worthwhile relationship.
Its a fine line in your case and the only advice I can give to you is communication.
Tell him how you feel. Tell him you are feeling different about his ways.
And if he is not willing to work with you and change a little bit to make you happy.
Then it is not worth your time.
I hope you and Mason can work things out and communicate!
Best wishes...
Wow! What a raw and honest post. It is difficult to imagine what it must be like to have endured the things you have. Have the two of you set boundaries that you both are comfortable with? It sounds as if though you are not feeling satisfied, loved enough and respected. As an outsider, it truly is a no brainer--make the break and find someone who values and respects you. Someone you can both trust and rely upon. Good luck and hang in there, there is someone out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Marcus,
Changing the rules of a relationship mid-way through isn't unheard of. Actually, that's how relationships grow, isn't it? Through changes -- the way everything else grows.
The key is to talk about it, and if you really do have that earth shattering love then you'll find a way to compromise so you both can be happy.
Marcus I know exactly what you are feeling. I just broke up with the guy I was dating for a year that was a PORN STAR as well. I did the exact same things you have done because I felt it made him and me happy. One day I sat my foot down and said I didn't want that for my life anymore. So he agreed that we would be one on one. Then a few weeks later I caught him cheating. He said he didn't see anything wrong with it because we had done it before. I dumped him and it really hurt at first, but now i look back and see how big of a fool I was for taking something like that when i did not deserve it. Just because hes a PORN STAR does not justify anything. Listen to your heart and it will not lead you wrong. GOOD LUCK BRO.
don't try and make me feel sympathy towards you by saying "It was MY fault" - I hate it when people do that. And it seems to me you're just NOT compatible with Mason if you are not able to accept his idea of a relationship.
If it's any consolation... Hilary sticks it out because she's a lesbian.
Didn't i read a blog from Mason
that he would make "mason wyler" disappear if you asked. It was in the past year. So ask
Mason is a hot fucking guy with a perfect cock...but in the end he's an asshole. The way he not only continues to do porn...but the fact he has sex with guys casually outside the relationship which YOU have allowed. Gay or not..relationships are meant for just TWO people...in love...no one else. That includes sex. Because when you have sex outside the relationship..the bond is broken. I think you're starting to feel that. Call me an old fashion fag but NO ONE is fucking my man besides me. And no one is fucking me besides him. The fact you love him so much you've allowed this to go on for so long. If you want it all to stop you have the right to end it. If he doesn't oblige...then it needs to be over. You deserve better.
Wow! The fact that you are writing this means you must have exhausted all of your options. I was in a similar situation and I know how difficult it can be. Society tells us that a "normal" partnership should be monogamous.
If it's a problem and after careful consideration and treatment doesn't help, you have to do what is best for the both of you.
Life is way too short to be unhappy. Talk with him and see if he is open to committing to you. As much as we all would miss him from porn, it is more important that he be with you than us.
Remember you made the bed, now you have to lie in it.
You both started this, and it will both have to be a mutual agreement
For a while it was just fun and games, but is seems that you have grown to truly love him. If he feels the same way, he should want to change his ways as well, and make a monogamous relationship. I do think, however, that in this case you are just going to have to move on or suck it up, because from the way he posts I doubt he would ever change for any one guy, including you.
Obviously people reading don't know the full story to your relationship issues, so comments can only be so helpful. but from what you've said, its the classic issue that gay couples who have established open relationships generally face. These feelings you are having, regardless of whether or not you yourself are a sex addict, are deff jealousy. frankly it would be weird if you weren't jealous, because seeing your boyfriend fuck some other dude, no matter how secure your relationship is, can seriously fuck with your head. as you mentioned, you do have yourself partly to blame because you condoned this behavior and even participated. but part of a relationship is the mutual understnding that each partner respects the other partner's feelings. just because you were down with him fucking around before doesnt mean you don't have the right to change your opinion. if he really loves you, then he should be more than happy to only have sex with you. and even if he is unhappy about it, he, if he loves you, will suck it up and learn to keep his dick in his pants. if he doesn't, then you deserve better.
Duh. You're fooling yourself. Being that your boundaries are non-existent, the only way to set some is to start over with someone else. It sucks but it's true.
Wasn't it just several months ago that you wrote a post entitled "I get off to it" or something like that? As I recall, you said you liked to arrange 3-ways and watch Mason get banged. It's kind of difficult to tone down that kind of open relationship agreement, even if your feelings have changed.
Is your family still living there? That might have changed the dynamics between you two, since you probably aren't as sexually free in your home environment as you used to be.
I couldnt resist NOT commenting again after i read some of the other posts.... Marcus u cant blame yourself, totally, for everything that has happened. some of these fools are just excited that mason is a porn star and tellin u how LUCKY u should feel to be with him.
i think the real question here is, even if he agrees to make the change and stop having the random sex outside of the relationship can u still accept the fact that he is in the porn industry and makin the films? if the answer to that is no, then u know what u need to do.
ask yourself if its him makin the movies that u are upset about or the random sex thats not apart of work that bothers u. hell maybe its both. but only you know the answer to that. no matter what we say on this blog, the ultimate decision will be urs alone to make.
I hate to say this, but your a fool. 1st you've gone along with his behavior & encouraged it ALL THIS TIME so why are you complaining about it now? And why are you complaining about all of this ON HIS BLOG?? Makes no sense.
If you really feel this way and doubting your love for him then that right there should tell you that this relationship is over.
mason and his other half you need to stop and say is he the man i want in my life
yes you may have told him it was ok but you need to think real hard or just sit him down on the sofa and tell him that he has to have your permission for anything nay more ok
markus you need to go someplace were it is private and think about what you are saying is he the right one for you or do u need to let him go
Boo hooh. Mason can do a hell of a lot better than a whiny bitch like you.
Marcus, you should take the advice Dan Savage would offer and DTMFA - dump the mother fucker already. You can do a lot better.
Oh well you could be alone for a while and that would suck --for you. Granted I relate to mason as we have had similar lives in more then a few ways. So when u work say 4 days a month and have lots o free time and your in love w/ cock and fresh ass you need to curve that urge. I think You should hook up on your own : Flip Flop Fuck and experience other boys other then Mason. I believe in open relationships until someone gets herpes, warts or HIV (lets hope it does not happen). Most addictions kill in the end, sad but true -- lost a few gay pals to GHB, Meth, ect -- poor choices lead to Hiv or the others. BB sex -- rather dumb these days -sure it feels awesome, and cum in the hole feels so warming and filling after a good pounding but safe is the best way to fuck men. So try the open sex thing out --your a hottie too -- don't seel yourself short. I'd still be with Mason, if I were you. Lots have changed over the years since I was in Mason's biz. He's getting 10k for scenes compared to 1-3k standard for male models. Granted he's book smart college educated, and has a great backer with BP ( you know what that means right?) -- Security for future work cuz he has talent, and your character is rubbing off on him -- you make him a better man -- don't forget it pimp. But a safe fuck buddie on the side is a way to freshen up your relationship. Don't be a quitter hit Mason in the shitter next time you see him. Cum on his face, get up and walk away and play some warcraft like it was ok but the game is more interresting -- make him want you, change your hair style, be different, and talk dirty to him, he'll be ok w/ that. Now the only issue is he reads this blog too.
In closing I'll say this he's lucky to have u and your lucky to have him. Share more love more try new stuff and don't be a quitter!!!!!!
Im sorry but i misut agree with Marcus on this one. I believe that I would feel the same way in his shoes. Marcus, you need to talk to Mason about this. Tell him how you feel. It will help tremendously
I have to admit that I'm a little bothered by all of the "if he really loved you he'd stop comments." It is possible that he does love you but also finds that sex and the freedom to engage in it is something that is also important. It doesn't make Mason a bad person or wrong or mean that he doesn't love you if he wants his lifestyle to continue the way it has been. It also does not make you a bad person or wrong or mean that you love him more or less than he loves you because you want something different now. It just might mean that the time has come for you to separate and pursue different paths. Only the two of you will know that. Good luck to you both in finding your way.
Marcus, I don't know if you read Jeff comment over at TheSword.com about your post, but I must agree with him on this.
Furthermore, this should have been planned out before Mason even got into porn. My rule was always that I would stop when either I or my boyfriend wanted me to stop, because when you're a couple, it's no longer just "MY sex life" and "HIS sex life", as a couple it becomes "OUR sex life". To think of it any other way is infantile and sheer selfishness on Mason's part. But unfortunately, to allow that infancy and selfishness doesn't say much about you either, Marcus. The two of you are practically living with the same dynamic that exist between an abuser and the abused.
c'est la vie!
Marcus, I've been there man, i said it was OK, and it got to a point years later when it just wasn't anymore, i couldn't take it, hell i wasn't slightly mad in the whole thing, stop i said, it hurts me more than you realize i said, and it did, and he didn't, so i just stopped talking about it, we both did, and it led to our break up, and it was horrible. and while i wouldn't want to date him anymore, i do regret the way it went down very much, so talk to him, even if it leads to fights, talk to him, even if it leads to tears, or you stand to lose him, and maybe that's not a bad thing, but between you and me, i wouldn't want to risk it, good luck luv, I'll keep you in my prayers
Sounds like Mason is a big-time whore! However, he's a whore that I enjoy watching in the act (hehe). If I were you, I wouldn't tolerate it one bit. I remember talking to a gay married man who seemed very happily married. But, then I came to his office and found him on the computer looking for hook-ups. He told me that he and his husband has an open relationship. I find that absolutely appalling. Gay or straight, someone in the relationship will end up hurt. And it looks like you're the hurt one. Let Mason go....but if you need a cum-fix, watch one of your favorite Mason Porn movies. That's what I'd do! LOL. Peace.
Ready - Communicate. But understand something. The boundaries of your relationship were established and you have both been open sexually. Deal with that fact. If it hurts you now and it didn't then, that is valid. Deal with that fact. If the two of you can't agree to become monogamous. Move on. Deal with that fact. You went into a relationship with someone with the understanding that it was open....sex with another man was just sex. If you can't handle that anymore then you need to express that to him and make the best decision for both of you.
Marcus-
I too had a similar problem, but of course, no two stories are the same and neither are mine and yours. I was a porn star. Not to long ago actually. I made a name for myself, and worked for the best studios out there, and I've actually been on a few sites Mason has been in. Here's my story and I'm sure that when your done reading it you'll know what to do. I met the guy of my dreams on a porn shoot. Our scene wasn't together but we clicked right away. He actually told everyone he was going to marry me on the first day I met him. Not only were we both doing porn but also escorting at the time. We thought we were the luckiest mother fuckers on earth. We were making mad money, we lived together, and were in love. One day we woke up and realized what the fuck we were doing. Not only were we hurting the ones we loved but also ourselves. We decided to quit. We broke up over it a few times since, and fought countless times, but we both are much happier than we were before. So if he won't quit for you than he obviously doesn't love you as much as you thought. It's like those interventions you watch on tv. You scream and yell at the TV because these people won't quit smoking crack for their loved ones. So don't be a fool. Your worth more than that. If he won't quit for you then he's not worth it. He'll take you for the ride and will only be completly yours when his looks have died out. Good luck buddy and I feel your pain.
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