Bro Dudes

by Noah Kuttler

Well, the cock boss has asked that I address the use of irritating breeder slang by gays. Apparently, a number of you have been referring to each other affectionately or otherwise as “Bro”. I would like to preface this discussion of “why you should probably reconsider your lives” by extending one outstanding exception, which is that if you can get away with calling me Bro in a reassuringly masculine tone with a broad jaw line and a real relaxed look in your eyes, I will blow you whenever and wherever we happen to be. However, I will hate you and myself for it afterwards.

As far as I can tell “bro” among gay men is occurring mostly among the under 21 boys and there various enthusiasts. Let's call them the 20 somethings because most adults don't pay enough attention to the younger gays to notice the slang they are using. Besides occasionally wanting to have sex with you 20 somethings, the rest of us are typically un-phased by your antics. In a culture dominated by porn movies you can’t afford, drugs you can’t afford, clubs you can’t get into, and protests that seem like parties to you, it is simply obvious that you have no real voice. As for you older gays, I won’t define an age for fear of reprisal, but I will say that it only makes sense for you to say bro when you are meeting younger guys. Friends your own age will either be too respectable to be greeted by “Bro”, or you will have known them long enough that you will have some impossibly cuter nickname to use. With that being said, this bro speak is clearly happening in whatever scene that's dominated by the 20 something gays of the moment.

So you are in college or pretending to be, you are hanging out with your impossibly attractive friends, and you casually get someone’s attention by saying bro. Maybe it is a best friend, who is really like a brother and who does not care what you call him. Maybe it is a hag or a beard and you call her bro because you are so desperate to use situation appropriate lingo that you will take any chance, even if that chance is improperly equipped with internal genitals. Whatever the case is, you fail. Bro has no place amongst our people because we see each other as potential vehicles of sexual release and your actual brother is not a potential vehicle for sexual release. Well, if he is you should never admit to it anyway. But you all know this, you know it would be completely bizarre for you to moan out “yeah bro” while you were plowing up some cute farmer’s land, so what could possibly warrant such attachment to the term?

Well according to the Urban Dictionary, the bro is an excessively masculine, steroid pumping, beer drinking jock that is a bit more obsessed with his physical appearance than a heterosexual male should be and calls every guy friend a bro. You can often find bro dudes chasing slutty whores stuffed full of vodka tampons across straight bar scenes and fraternity rows through out America. This definition of a bro is interestingly enough the definition of a very fuckable 20 something gay: muscular, drunk, and a little dumb. AWESOME. So is that it, you say bro to signal that you are fuckable and playing football with your cock while your pecs open beer bottles or something? An unfortunate collision with reality must be just around the corner for the gay-bro-dude then: most of us still listen, taste, feel, and think with our eyes. If you can pull off saying bro because of your attitude and look, you will get laid regardless of your awkward choice of dialogue. If you can’t pull it off but say it anyways, you will be the mean joke I tell the cute guy at the bar so he will think I am witty and have friends. I don’t, but he won’t know that until he fucks me and I leave him 5000 messages and bumper stickers and pokes on Facebook.

The point is that bro only adds an unnecessary element of incestuous thoughts to the discourse, sort of like that Karen from Mean Girls with her cousin, right? I loved Karen, but she was written to be dumb and horny and thus accidentally incestuous. Are you living your life like a Tina Fey joke? To that end, from now on call me something similarly manly without accusing me of having walked the same fallopian tubes as you. Walk up to me and call me mate, bud, or pal. Something as casual as bro and equally friendly and direct. Or, if you are going for that instant blow job thing, walk up to me and say “Hey Wyler, lets get a beer.” I will be so instantly excited thinking I might look like Wyler, or that Wyler might be around, or that you want to do something Wyler-ish to me that I will be ready to go.